Haldir's Diet
by BeeJang
Summary: Haldir realized that he had too much. Rumil and Orophin decided to help his brother. Ch 2 updates! With the helps from professionals, will Haldir survive? Warning : A slight slash
1. A digital weight

I'm out of my mind.  
  
Don't hurt me for writing this. I never mean to insult Haldir. He's my favourite (apart from Glorfindel). I never mean to insult Craig Parker, I LOVE him!  
  
I must warn you. This story will imply slight slash, male/male relationship in later chapter but not sexual situations, just cute. But who with who, I won't tell.  
  
This is AU.  
  
I must say sorry for all the errors and grammar mix up you find here. English is not my main language. I never own Lotr characters, I only wish I could. They belong to Master Tolkien. What's else I need to say?  
  
Enjoy!  
  
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Haldir's Diet! Chapter 1 - A digital weight in front of the food hall.  
  
It was a lovely morning. The sun just rose up in the clear sky, shining through branches and leaves of the mellyrn trees, unintentionally crossed Haldir's fair face and awoke him at last.  
  
"Morning comes too early, I'm having a very good dream!"  
  
Haldir complained when he thought of his dream. He was in the Lorien party, set in the garden. The tables were full of food and the smell of grilled meats and chickens, the whole-wheat breads and fresh fruits were on the tables nearby, sweet cherry wine as a beverage and lovely elf-maidens who wandering around like a blooming flower as a desert.  
  
"Oh Valar, this is so unfair. Why he woke me from this sweet dream by this hot sunlight!"  
  
A second later, Haldir heard the sound from the food hall and, along with wind, the smell of the food.  
  
Breakfast!  
  
Haldir dressed up, quickly climbed down from his talan and headed to the food hall at great speed.  
  
On the way, in front of the entrance of the hall, Haldir keen eyes noticed the digital weight on the floor. Something inspired him to walk to that weight. He turned around and saw nobody there, then, he stepped on the weight and looked down to see the number showing on the digital screen.  
  
"AHHHHHH!!!"  
  
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Oh Valar, this is the echo in Haldir's mind.  
  
Dear Ilúvatar, how can it come to this?  
  
It's impossible, my elf eyes must be wrong.  
  
Haldir looked around and noticed the big mirror hanging on the wall and his reflection was looking back to him.  
  
Fair of face as an elf, his lips were healthy. His prominent nose was balance to his blue eyes. His hair was shinning gold under the sunlight. Everytime he looked into the mirror, he always thanked Valar to give all these beauties to him.  
  
Such a gorgeous elf I am.  
  
Then, he looked from his fair face down his throat. He was quite tall compare to other elves. His shoulder was broad and straight. His chest was wide. His arms were strong and his hands were full of strenght.  
  
Just then, his smile disappeared from his fair face and, at the same time, his blue eyes were wide open with shock of his increasing waist and belly.  
  
"This is not true!" Haldir cried out.  
  
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Haldir sensed someone were approaching so he pretended to walk into the hall as usual.  
  
The hall looked bigger when there was only few people. It was an early morning and most elves loved to have a morning walk under the mellyrn trees, absorbed the beauty of nature, drifed into the soft wind. Maybe only Haldir that said good morning to lembas and big glass of fruit juice.  
  
"Haldir, are you alright today?" Aradir, the elf who took care of the food, asked Haldir while he noticed only one lembas in Haldir's plate.  
  
"I'm fine, thank you, but today I don't feel hungry." answered Haldir.  
  
Aradir seemed so confused but did not dare to ask. Normally, Haldir's breakfast was at least three lembas, did not include fruits, snacks and deserts. Today, Haldir was very strange. His always happy face looked trouble, no more playful sight from his eyes. Something might worry his mind.  
  
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Haldir knew so well that it was not enough but he did not want it anymore. A lembas digested too quickly. Big glass of fruit juice could fill only a quarter of his stomach. Haldir shook his head and walked out of the hall. If he stayed there too long, he might eat more.  
  
Haldir entered the garden, sat by the mellyrn trees in the quiet corner, pulled his legs to his chest and buried his face to them.  
  
How long, Haldir did not know, but he felt a hand on his shoulder so he looked up and saw two familiar faces of his brothers.  
  
"You looked so sad, Haldir," said Rumil. His hand trailed along the curve his brother's face.  
  
"Aradir told us that this morning you only have few breakfast. Are you alright, brother?" Orophin held Haldir's hand. His eyes were full of concerns and worry.  
  
"I'm - " Every word strucked in Haldir's throat. The trouble faces of his brothers made Haldir impress. He smiled back sadly and shook his head.  
  
"When you feel sad, we also feel, Haldir," said Rumil.  
  
"Haldir, if you think we are your brother, please tell us what's trouble you. We can't stand to see you so sad," said Orophin.  
  
Haldir looked into his brothers' eyes. They were full of love.  
  
I'm so proud of you, oh my dear brothers. Gentle, graceful, kind and goodness are all in you. It's good to have you as my brothers.  
  
Rumil and Orophin returned their gaze, waited for Haldir to utter the words so that they could help his dearest elder brother to solve any problem left in his mind.  
  
Seemed liked eternity and everything in Middle Earth stopped moving when Haldir's soft voice passed his lips.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
"I'm hungry."  
  
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It took some seconds for Rumil and Orophin to regain their breaths. They looked at each other before turned to Haldir.  
  
"Why don't you eat more, just one lembas is not enough for you, you know that," said Rumil.  
  
"No, I can't, it's too much now!" Haldir cried out and shook his head.  
  
"Why you have to torture yourself? What's happen?" asked Orophin. He did not fully understand his brother.  
  
" - This morning - I'm - in front of the hall - the digital weight - " Haldir couldn't build up the sentence but it was enough for his brothers to understand the whole story. Rumil and Orophin looked at each other, this time, more relieve. But when they looked back and found Haldir's trouble face, they also didn't know what to do. They'd never seen their brother so worry like this.  
  
"Don't worry, Haldir, in our eyes, you're always be the one with great strenght than any other elves in Lorien." Rumil touched Haldir's shoulder to confirm his words.  
  
"Only in your eyes!" Haldir cried and turned his face other way. He saw Orophin who returned him the worry eyes.  
  
"You're the most gorgeous elf in Lorien, always and forever, Haldir." Orophin said and held the other hand of Haldir firmly to reconfirm Rumil's words.  
  
Haldir pulled his hands and shook his head. "Thank for comforting me but I know myself well enough. It's too late now!" He buried his face to his hand and cried.  
  
Rumil and Orophin hugged Haldir tightly to soothe him but they look at each other.  
  
In the case liked this, Haldir needed help from the professional and the names that came to their mind made them grinned.  
  
Such an evil grin that Haldir did not notice.  
  
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TBC  
  
A/N : I'm running away from Haldir and Craig fangirl.  
  
Thank you for your reviews. 


	2. The first dietary program

**Disclaimer** : I never own Lotr characters, I only wish I could. They belong to Master Tolkien.

Again, I never mean to offense Haldir or Craig Parker. I love him with all my heart.

**Warning **: . This chapter contains slight slash, male/male relationship.

This is AU, of course.

I'm sorry for all the grammar errors, it's all unintentional.

* * *

**  
Chapter 2 : The first dietary program from the first professional**

Rumil entered Orophin's room. When he saw his youngest brother was sitting in front of computer, playing The Sims Online, he was so angry.

"You are playing this without telling me!" cried Rumil. Orophin turned to look at Rumil apologetically. Then, Rumil realized that it was not the right time for a quarrel. "Hey, what are you doing, Orophin? You promise to follow up for Haldir and you – "

"Calm down, brother, Legolas emailed me back, look at this!" Orophin closed Rumil's mouth, saved the game and opened Outllook Express in another window.

From : "Skater Boy"  
Date : Today  
To : "Orophin"  
Subject : Re : My brother needs help!  
Attach : Mirkwooddiet.doc (56.6 Kb.)

Hi Orophin! Glad to hear from you.

I read Haldir's problem and feel so sad that he comes to this. Anyway, with all honors in me, Prince of Mirkwood, one who rules almost all women and men in this world, the winner of Mr. Congeniality of Mr. Middle Earth, one who received the Sweetest Smile Award from Middle-Earth Time magazine, one who known as handsome, beautiful, silky golden hair, sexiest elf, best archer, best skaters and all the best in middle earth.

Did I miss anything?

Ok, let come to the point, I attach dietary program for you. This program works so well in Mirkwood. (Proved by King Thranduil, my father) Set the meals for Haldir according to this, one week, guarantee!.

Email back to me … I'm waiting for the result with all my heart

With love,

Legolas

PS1 : Send my love to Rumil, your handsome brother, tell him, "I'm prettier than you!"

PS2 : Scary. When I opened the picture, I understand immedietely why Haldir needs help - -""

----- Original Message -----

>From: "Orophin"  
>To: "Skater Boy"  
>Cc "Virus Twins I" "Virus Twins II" "Golden Glorfindel" "Strider Always Great!" "Erestor"  
>Sent: Yesterday  
>Subject : My brother needs help!  
>Attach : haldir.jpg (116 Kb.)

>My dear friends, my brother and I need help.  
>I need the most effective dietary program urgently!  
>Ah – this is not for me but for Haldir. He has a  
>problem with – (see attachment). I love my brother,  
>I want to help him but I don't know how. (I never  
>had this problem with myself, so did Rumil). That's  
>why we got to seek help from you!  
>Hope to get good news soon.  
>Thank you in advance.

>Orophin

Orophin double clicked the attachment to open the dietary program. He glanced at Rumil, just then, one of his brow rose when he saw Rumil's lip turned into wicked smile. "What do you think?"

Rumil moved his hand to the mouse to print button. "We have work to do!"

* * *

"What is this, brothers? I'm not hungry." Haldir said to his brother when he saw the two entered his talan and brought the tray of food with them. Haldir felt this stomach crying out loud. He bent his head down in shame, not so sure if his brother heard it. 

"We can't stand to see you starving, dear brother." Rumil said and placed the tray on the table in front of Haldir. Even the tray was covered with a lid, Haldir felt so sure that the food inside must be very delicious, judged by the smell of it.

"But I'm not hungry." Haldir tried not to look at the tray but his stomach denied the order from his brain.

"Don't worry Haldir, this food won't increase your weight but it helps to lose it!" Orophin assured with a wide smile.

"Really?" said Haldir. His eyes sparked hopefully.

"Of course, brother. Just hurry, before it gets cold," Rumil was also glad with Haldir when he saw his brother was happy.

"Enjoy your dinner!" Orophin smiled before they went outside.

After his brothers left, Haldir opened the lid and saw the food on the plate. There were some kinds of steak with vegetable salad. Haldir did not sure which kind of steak it was but the smell was so good. He tasted it and it was absolutely good.

Outside his talan, Rumil and Orophin peeked in and saw Haldir enjoyed the dinner. The wicked smiles appeared on their faces.

* * *

So full … 

Haldir enjoyed his dinner so much and left nothing. His handsome face was full of smiles. His hunger was all gone, replaced with sleepiness. Haldir yawned and went directly to his bed.

For three days, Haldir ate the food his brothers brought to him without asking questions. Rumil and Orophin were busy preparing the food according to the program got from Legolas. They were tired to find the ingredient but Haldir was enjoyable.

No need to speak of the weight, never lose but gained more.

* * *

"Hey brother, do you feel the same?" Orophin said to Rumil. They were walking in the garden under mellyrn trees. They were on their back to talan after the hard archery practice. 

"Yes, of course, I know Celeborn kept on staring at you for decade!"

"Oh yes, that's why I never locked the door." Orophin said without his awareness before closing his mouth with his hand. Rumil tilted his head and stared at his brother unbelievable. "No no, I did not mean that, I'm talking about Haldir!"

"Oh I see." Rumil chuckled when Orophin blushed. "Yeah, I saw Haldir's getting wider and bigger and he's so good appetite, eat then sleep, wake up and eat again." Rumil signed.

"Did we do something wrong?"

"I wonder too, brother. I did according to Legolas's program." Rumil glanced at the Orophin's troubled face. "Or Legolas betrayed us. He revenged us because you always photoshop his naked pictures with Aragorn and made forward email!"

Orophin was shocked. His eyes widened in surprised. "Yeah, that must be it! I completely forget about it. I'm a fool to believe Legolas!" He shook his head. "Oh Haldir, I'm so sorry."

"Don't be sad, Orophin. I'll revenge him. I'll send Trojan horse to Mirkwood server. Don't worry." Rumil hugged his brother's shoulder. "Think positively, we don't need to find giant spider to cook for Haldir anymore."

"Giant spider!" A shout made the two brothers jumped. A big, creepy shadow appeared at their back. It's Haldir. "You cooked giant spider for me!" He cried.

"Oh brother, I don't see you around, probably, you are too small for us to notice." Rumil answered with a weak smile.

"Thank you, brother … No, don't change the subject, Rumil! Tell me, what did you cook for me these days?"

"Nothing, just a steak." Orophin tried to lie but Haldir did not believe him.

"You know it! I hate spider!" Haldir cried. He thought of the food he enjoyed these past days. He believed that it was a stag or something else. He never thought of a giant spider which he hated so much. He thought of the eight hairy long legs and felt sick. Three days foods were struck in his throat. Haldir fell on his knee and got sick.

"Haldir!" Rumil and Orophin cried out in unison.

The first dietary program from the first professional ended here.

* * *

After carrying Haldir's heavy body back to his talan, Rumil and Orophin retired to their room without a word. They were too tired even to say goodnight. 

Orophin entered his room. He did not lock the door as usual. The room was dark but there was a glow from his wireless mouse. The young elf walked to his computer and moved his mouse. The dark monitor turned awake.

You got mail!

The wicked smile appeared on his face once again.

* * *

**  
TBC**

**Author's Note** : I know it's quite some time for me to update. I'm too scare to continue writing, actually to say it correctly, translating my fiction from Thai to English. Yes, I finish this story in my language some ages ago but I'm lack of confident in my English skill. I probably need a beta to help me improve my writing skill.

But thank you anyway for reading my story. I hope you enjoy it as I do.


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